I’m lying on my back.
I’m lying on something.
Did I fall asleep?
I have clothes on. I can feel them. When did I fall asleep? When did I lie down? Something’s missing. Something’s definitely missing which should be there.
I can’t hear. I try to hear something. Nothing.
And I can’t see. Not anything. Maybe if I open my eyes.
They’re already open.
Shit.
Shit!!
Panic starts to come up. I’ll call out for help. But my body just lays there. My mouth doesn’t move or anything. I try to sit up. Maybe if I sit up I’ll see some light or something. But my body won’t sit up. This be bad right. Really bad. Maybe I can move my arm. I tell my right arm to move but it doesn’t. Move you deadshit arm. Move.
Move!
Nothing.
Fuck!!
Panic is coming up real bad now. It feels like sick coming up my throat. Still my body won’t move.
Oh this be seriously fucked up.
Is this going to be the rest of my life? What if people don’t get I’m still conscious and still feel things? What if they operate on me and don’t get that I’m feeling every cut but I can’t scream out or nothing? What if they think I’m already dead and they bury me alive?
Fuck. Shit.
What if I’m already buried alive?
Already.
Fuck. Shit. Fuck.
So the panic gets worse. I’m lying on my back, can’t see anything, can’t hear anything, can’t move anything and all I can think of is trying to stop myself panicking so much.
Am I dead? Am I like lying in my body but it’s already dead? No I’m breathing. Yeah breathing. Maybe it would be better if I was dead. Better off dead than buried alive right.
Fuck. Shit. Fu-
There’s a searing pain that splits my head in two. Like a screaming spear thrust right through the middle of my head. I’m no longer lying on anything. The smell of coffee.
Coffee.
The smell of coffee. Silence and the smell of coffee. Silence and darkness and the smell of coffee.
The hiss of the coffee maker. The clink of crockery. Sound. The sounds of Ciao Bella Café.
Clatter. I’m back lying on something. Shit that pain was screaming terrible. Metal clatter. I’m on something and it’s moving. So I not be buried alive. See, Brandi, stop panicking so much, you stupid bitch. You’re not buried alive. Got to be happy about that right? But the panic doesn’t ease so much. The metal clatter stops. “Can you follow this light? Follow this light with your eyes. She’s not following the light.” “We’re going to need blood work stat. We need to find out what drug’s done this. Was she like this when you found her?” “Yes.” “She was standing totally frozen.” “Did she have any drugs on her?” “No drugs. No I.D. No money. Nothing.” “So no idea who she is?” “None.”
I try to talk myself out of the panic. You can hear now. That’s good, right. That’s an improvement right? See, Brandi, things be getting better. It sounds like it’s a hospital. That’s better. Sure the panics don’t go away but they don’t get worse either. I try to remember how I got like this. What shit’s gone down to get me here? But I can’t remember. I can’t even remember what I should be trying to remember.
“No bruises on the head. No signs of brain bleeding.” “Could it be neurological?” “She wouldn’t have been standing up.” “It must be drugs.” “Meanwhile we’ll put her on a saline drip.” Things are done to my body. Things are put on my wrists. What the hell are they putting on my wrists? Something’s wrapped round my upper right arm and it gets tight and tighter. I tell myself not to panic. It’s probably just for blood pressure. Then the pressure on my arm gets less. See just for blood pressure. Then a really tight band appears around my upper left arm. WTF? A sharp pain in my arm. A needle right? But that be good. It’s definitely a hospital. That’s good. The needle is in for a while. Taking blood yeah? And then there’s another pain in my arm and something sticky is stuck on it. A saline drip? It’s a hospital for sure. This is the place to be. Unless they operate on me without anesthetic. That’d be a lot fucking worse.
But some things are getting better. You’re in a hospital, right. That’s good. They’re testing my blood. That’s good. They’ll find some stupid thing in my blood and give me drugs to cure this. Don’t panic so much, Brandi. Things be better. They’re going to get better still.
I’m left alone for a long time. Just lying on my back in the noise and voices. A very long time I guess. I guess I’m lying on one of those hospital beds with wheels on. And all the noise going past and talking. I guess it’s a corridor.
Noises closer to me. “The blood work has come back. No drugs in her system.” “What’s that mean?” “That means it’s almost certainly psychological. It used to be called hysterical paralysis but now it’s called conversion disorder. Obviously this is not our thing. Possibly neurological. Unlikely though. We’re not geared up for that here anyway. She’s physically stable. Her heart beat is stable now. She needs to be transferred to a psych hospital.” “It needs to be the Smitherson. Their Forensic Psych Unit.” “We can phone and check they’ve got a vacancy.”
Psych hospital? What!? Have I lost my mind? Is that why I can’t move my body? The whole world moves. Yeah it must be one of those hospital beds they wheel you round on. What’d they say? Forensic Psych Unit? Forensic?? Why the hell are they taking me there? Had I been a victim of some crime? That must be it. Something really shitty’s happened to me. Something that’s fucked up my brain. I’ve been a victim of a crime. A really bad one. That’d be it. Some major crime. Maybe I’d been raped again. But when I got raped before it hadn’t fucked me up like this. That was four years ago. Maybe I’d got soft. But that’d explain it right. Something really bad. Some crime on me and they are taking me to forensic something so they can get evidence from my body. My stupid dead-ass body.
Maybe my brain’s starting to work better because noises start to seem less random and be more like a picture in my head. They’ve wheeled me outside. Different sounds. Colder air. They’re putting me in an ambulance to take me to another hospital right? The Smitherson place. And all the movement and sound tell me I be right. The sound of the back door of the ambulance closing. A bit of a breeze after the sound of it closing.
Still no sight but I can feel the ambulance move. Sounds of traffic. Stops and starts and turns. But I can’t see nothing anything nothing.
But from nothing there is this terrible shitty pain that splits my head apart and it’s so screaming agony bad that I think it makes my whole body seize up. Maybe my body even moved. That would be something if my body actually really moved.
Coffee.
The smell of coffee.
Coffee. I’m standing up. Yeah standing. A hissing sound. The sound of a coffee machine? The clinking clatter of cups. Am I at work? I can feel something in my left hand. My order pad?
But then I’m yanked back into my body, the one that’s lying down, and I feel the hospital bed under me moving and stopping. “Just confirming that this is Jane Doe transferred from Stateside?” “Yes.” “Was she in this condition when you found her?” “Yes.” “She was totally frozen.” “Do you know where you are?” I think I’m supposed to answer and I try but nothing happens of course. “Can you follow my finger with your eyes?” “Why is she restrained?” “She was found at the scene of a double homicide, holding what appears to be the murder weapon.”
What the fuck!
What the fuck!?
But of course my dumb-ass body just lies there.
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